I've been warned about Ouija boards for as long as I was old enough to know how they worked.
Hey, I went to Catholic school, OK? So, that's probably the reason I have been so captivated by the entire Ouija process. Contacting spirits, learning about the future ... who wouldn't want a piece of that?
Well, it all sounded too good to pass up. So when friends of mine returned from a weekend at home with a bonafide Ouija board (I'd never actually seen one), I asked to partake in their seance of sorts.
I must admit, at first, I was a little skeptical about the fact that Milton Bradley could make something so mischievous and potentially evil. I mean, come one, we're dealing with the same guys that make Chutes and Ladders. How bad could it be?
My curiosity got the better of me, and after a few minutes of eyeing the "oracle," I was hooked ... there was no turning back.
We lit the candles, dimmed the lights and began our adventure with the spirits of our afterlife.
My friend, being the certified Ouija master, asked all the questions. After a few "stop moving it!" and "I'm not moving it" combinations, the oracle mystically began to move around the board, supposedly of its own accord.
"Are there any spirits in the room?" she asked. Our hands followed the oracle to "yes."
We looked at each other in nervous anticipation. Ouija is smart ... Ouija is wise.
I felt a wave of courage, so I asked, "Ouija, do you know my name?" Lo and behold, my name was spelled out.
"Ouija, what is your name?” my friend asked. Oddly, the name "Fifi" appeared (I'd never heard of a spirit named Fifi).
We spent some time asking Fifi how she died, whether I would pass my math class and other questions of that matter, but nothing really exciting happened.
I still couldn't understand why there was so much hype about these "tools of Satan," as my priest used to say. No object had flown across the room, nobody was speaking in tongues, and no one's head was spinning around in circles.
The only incident that really did happen was a severe case of "Ouija back" (a common ailment of Ouija users who spend prolonged hours hunched over the board awaiting spiritual enlightenment).
We were quickly losing interest. Just when we were about to give up, a surge of energy came from the oracle. Our hands moved in unison across the board as the spirit struggled to reveal its message. "Ouija, what are you trying to say?" we pleaded. "What is your name, spirit?"
We looked at each other for answers, but none could be found. At that moment, the TV mysteriously turned on. A voice from the TV filled the room: "A miracle a day keeps the devil away."
As if we weren't paranoid enough, the TV had turned on to an evangelist preacher. "Oh, my God!" I screamed, "I'm out of here!"
My mind was telling me to get the hell out of that room, but for some twisted reason I stayed. Call it morbid curiosity or just a typical night of sheer boredom at Bradley. Either way, I was compelled to stay and see what the great Ouija had in store for us.
How could we have known what was about to happen? We placed our hands on the oracle with the hopes of contacting another wild spirit. What we encountered was actually the most horrifying event of the night: we contacted the ghost of Lydia Moss Bradley (dramatic pause).
We sat astonished as our hands flew acorss the board and the letters combined to become words. The controller circled a few times--what was she trying to tell us? Don't forget to drink your Ovaltine? No, no that wasn’t it ... a moment of confusion, and her message was revealed: "There must be kegs at the centennial party."
Ouija is smart ... Ouija is wise.
The excitement of Lydia's message had drained our energy--we decided to end our adventures for the night. As for the Ouija, we left it as it had been, the oracle still hovering over the "y" in party.
When I think back to my experience with the "mystifying oracle," I can't help but smile. Not everyone can say they have conversed with a spirit named Fifi or the great Lydia Moss Bradley.
There was one question that was on all our minds as we left the room: "I wonder what kind of beer she wants in the keg."